A touchy subject

So this blog is about a subject that is not spoke about as much as it should be. Depression. It also includes anxiety as well and a subject close to my heart... PTSD.

If you have been following me for the past year or so then you know that I struggle a lot with my mental health, a lot of the time I feel worthless and un loved and so alone. Some people reading this can relate to it and some people won't which is fine. This is me saying from my point of view what I feel on a daily basis.

Every day I wake up with dread on what the day will bring but I force myself each day to get up and dressed for the sake of my kids. I believe if it wasn't for them I would just sit in bed and mope all day. It takes so much of my energy to just breathe at the moment, that I get so tired just doing the school run so by the time I get home I am literally exhausted and need to sleep.

So my depression started when I was 15. Something happened that I don't want to go into and that's when my mental health journey began. Since then I have been on and off medication for depression. I had my first child before I was 21 and I felt better then things went bad with my first husband but that's a story for a different day maybe. things happened and I had my second baby, I didn't want her, I had extreme post natal depression and whenever I went to my friends house I asked them to deal with her as I was so exhausted as she wasn't sleeping and constantly wanted me so I was very tired. I never let her go without and she was taken care of but it was my attention she wanted but I jut couldn't give it to her.

Luckily I managed to pick myself up out of that and sort out my home situation (like I said I won't go into that right now) My middle daughter had just turned 1 and my eldest had turned 3 and my mum suddenly died. It was very unexpected and it was heartbreaking and I went spiralling down while trying to stay strong for my girls. I worked hard keeping my head above water then I met Lee. We started talking just friends to begin with and it was nice having someone to talk to.

After a couple of years we got married then we had our youngest daughter. The pregnancy went well, and after 2 c sections I wanted to try for a natural, I was very sensible going into it and the doctor agreed with me and said I was looking at it the right way. She decided to be a week over due. My water broke the Sunday and I was on to the hospital to be monitored as arranged. To cut a long story short it was very traumatic and I had to be put to sleep and I was very anxious and scared before they did it and they held me down, I couldn't say bye to lee or anything and I woke up in recovery in a state and so scared and anxious and all they would tell me is that the baby was fine she was in special care with lee.

Anyway, after years of being mis diagnosed with just depression and anxiety, my lovely doctor finally diagnosed me with Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and got given different medication and proper therapy for it and I am glad I did because I am in such a better place for it.

I want to just say that after all these years of struggling getting the right help has been such a blessing. I have also for the last year not cared about what others think of me and practiced a lot more self care. This involves doing things for me, giving myself some calm time, saying no to people sometimes and making sure all my needs are met too. I have also been trying to find myself as I had my children young and I haven't known who I am supposed to be so I am on that journey. I want to be an actress and try and make plus size a bit more acceptable in the industry. I am confident and I am an amazing person. I deserve to find something that I will be good at.

I will say this now, to all of you struggling with mental health, body image or anything else. YOU are all beautiful, stay strong and have courage to be yourself. I will always be here for people that need a chat that have any problems or just need a friend.

Stay curvy everyone

hugs and kisses


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